I can’t help thinking about haunted houses as we near the scariest day of the year: election day.
I’m joking! Sort of. I’m referring to Halloween, of course. ‘Tis the season when normally sane people go off to haunted houses, and sane or not, I’ve actually done it myself. Twice, in fact. The first time I visited the morning after the haunted house was over. The lights were on and it was being dismantled. I’m proud to say it didn’t scare me one bit.
But the lights were off in the other one. There were strange noises and a lot of skeletons, zombies and ghosts coming at me. They were all fake and I knew it. Still it was torture. I thought it would never end.
It makes me wonder how much more terrified I’d have been if the organizers had included some of the real-life things I’m afraid of, like angry bulls and that stuff I find in my strainer basket after I do dishes.
I think haunted house organizers miss out by not including real things people fear. With that in mind, I went to that source of all knowledge, the internet, and typed in the words, “What are people afraid of?”
A lot, as it turns out. There were more than 500,000 results. If I’d read them all, this column wouldn’t have been done until next Halloween. But I did read a lot of them. And interestingly none of those I read mentioned skeletons, zombies or ghosts. Or, come to think of it, the stuff you find in your sink’s strainer basket.
The first one I came across listed the following terrifying scenarios as things people fear: Russia using nuclear weapons, World War III and economic/financial collapse, all of which would be hard to put in a haunted house.
But it also mentioned cyber-terrorism, polluted drinking water and biological warfare. Those would all be doable, but I think they’re illegal. Also dangerous.
Fortunately other articles included plenty of legal scary things that would work in a haunted house. Several mentioned public speaking. And in some cases, it was higher on the scary scale than death. I don’t believe that for one minute. I think if you gave any ordinary person the choice to speak or die you wouldn’t be able to shut them up.
Still public speaking can be frightening and it would be easy to have it in a haunted house. You probably shouldn’t have death though. That would be unreasonable.
A lot of people admit to fearing spiders, snakes and mice, all of which you could easily let loose in a haunted house. Gathering them back up after it’s over might be a chore though.
Darkness, lightning, heights and flying are also common fears. I imagine giving a speech on a small, dark airplane would be really scary—especially if there were snakes and spiders on the plane. And giving a speech from a very high podium with lightning all around would be horrifying. Also dumb.
Apparently a lot of people are afraid of clowns and dentists, the only two professionals discussed in the articles I read. I’m surprised nobody said anything about judges, what with those black robes and the ability to lock us all up.
With all of that in mind, I envision the following terrifying haunted house: Naturally it’s on an airplane. There’s lightning flashing outside and mice, snakes and spiders—real ones—inside. As our hapless guests enter, they’re forced to make speeches to all the other nervous visitors. Somewhere in the middle they each have an appointment with a dentist who happens to be dressed for Halloween in—you guessed it—a clown costume. Then it gets really scary. Before they can escape our haunted house, guests are forced to watch election returns.
Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications in the West and Midwest. You can subscribe to her blog at www.dorothyrosby.com or contact at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.